It is estimated that over 15 million children and teens have a mental health or substance abuse problem. Out of that 15 million, only 1 in 5 receives treatment for their problem. On the other hand, when a child has a physical health problem, most parents do not hesitate to get medical treatment. Even for things as simple as a cold or the flu. Why do we have such a different approach to dealing with our children’s problems when it is related to their mental health? Dr. Joyce Hickson, professor of counseling at Columbus State University, believes that some of the reasons for this disparity in behavior are:

• Parents not being “savvy” about mental health
• Feeling ashamed and embarrassed to ask for help because of the belief that there is a stigma attached to having mental health problems
• Believing that needing to take one’s children to a therapist means that they are not good parents

I am in agreement with Dr. Hickson that the above issues often cloud our judgment when deciding whether or not to seek the services of a mental health professional. And, I would add that parents are often confused about when a problem really warrants seeking professional help. There are situations when it is obvious that a child needs the expertise of a professional therapist. I think all of us would agree that when our children are experiencing any of the following, we need to consult with an expert.

• Problems interfere with the child’s ability to function at school
• Severe depression
• Suicidal thoughts
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Panic or anxiety attacks
• Aggressive behavior towards self, others or animals
• Extreme shyness
• Eating disorders
• Perfectionism

But, what about when it is not so clear? How do we know if this is just a phase our child is experiencing? Just a “normal” part of growing up? One thing I found very helpful when raising my daughter was to read about the developmental stage she was in. I am a strong believer in developmental psychology. We are all continually growing and changing. It is so helpful to know what is normal, expected behavior for a given age, what challenges our children are facing and what skills we need to make sure they are acquiring so that they will be prepared for the next stage of development and for life.

Dorothy Briggs, in her book Your Child’s Self-Esteem, says that not knowing this information is the mistake most often made by parents. She says that when we are not familiar with what is normal growth and development, we might expect too little or too much of a child, and either one is equally disastrous for a child.

I recall one painful day during my daughter’s adolescence when on his way out the door, my husband said, “Call today and make an appointment for family therapy.” Believe me, I was considering it. But first I got out my book on developmental psychology and looked up our daughter’s age and learned that what we were dealing with was “normal.” That the stresses we were experiencing were due to the changes that come with adolescence. In short, she wasn’t supposed to “like” us. It was “normal” for her ?to be critical of us. Knowing that
didn't necessarily make it any less painful, but it gave us a different perspective and helped us deal with it more constructively.

So one thing you can do is educate yourself about what is normal for your child’s stage of development. I would advocate having this information at hand even if you are not trying to decide whether or not your child has a serious problem. Incorporating this knowledge into your parenting will quite possibly prevent some problems. I suggest that it will at least prevent some stress in the relationship.

And if you have determined that the concerns you have about your child are not the results of normal changes and learning to cope with the new stage they are in, what then? Here are some signs that need to be taken seriously:

• Persistent and significant changes in eating, sleeping, school work or relationships
• Persistent sadness, anger or anxiety
• Complaints of headaches and/or stomachaches for which there is no physical cause
• Frequent nightmares
• Regressing to behavior from an earlier stage, such as bedwetting or thumb sucking
• Frequent emotional outbursts or temper tantrums

Children, especially young children, do not have the verbal skills to tell us what they are feeling. They may not even know words like depressed or anxious. They communicate their feelings and concerns to us through their behavior. We can look at the above list as signs that there is something going on in our child’s life that they are unable to cope with, and they need help.

Maybe you can talk to your child and help them find ways to deal with their problems. However, if you have tried to solve the problem and feel like you are stuck and have run out of alternatives, why not turn to an expert? There is probably no other area in your life where you don’t ask for advice from someone when you need to. Whether you are buying a new PC, a new car, decorating your home, planning a vacation or investing your money, you probably don’t hesitate to ask for suggestions. Yet, the gravity of making those decisions pales in comparison to making decisions about your child’s mental health and well-being.

My advice would be that if you are unsure as to whether or not your child needs the services of a mental health professional, talk to the child’s pediatrician, your family practice physician or your child’s teacher and get their counsel. And, in the process of seeking help I would communicate the following positive things to my child:

• It is okay to have problems and to ask for help
• I am paying attention to you and have gotten your message
• Our family can talk about problems
• Our family solves problems

Also, if I were unsure about seeking help, I would rather err on the side of having asked for it and not needed it, than having needed it and not gotten it. The price your child might pay for the former will be far less than what they will probably experience as a result of the latter.