by Borden Black

“If you don’t water a plant it will die. The same is true for marriage,” advises Mary Ellen Connett a licensed marriage and family counselor in Columbus. She points out that the pressures of today’s society, with parents and their children participating in an increasing number of activities on the job, at school and at home, marriages are stressed as well. “Our world now is constantly stimulating us to do things, and that is taking away from our relationships.”

The experts say marriage takes work and time, especially after the kids come along. “We buy extended warranties and service agreements on our cars and appliances and conduct preventative maintenance, but our marital relationship continues to be neglected,” said Connett. She suggests that instead of putting the marriage at the bottom of the list of priorities, it should be at the top.

Lindsay Rodriguez and her husband have been married two and a half years and have a 10-month-old son. She agrees it is easy to get caught up in the pressures of everyday life and put the relationship on urner. “You have to remember that we had the relationship before we had the kid, so you’ve got to keep it healthy,” she said.

Parents help shape their youngsters' future perspective of marriage

Extensive research has been conducted on what makes for a strong marriage. Dr. John Gottman has come up with some tips as a result of his study of successful marriages. One of the most important is to express more positives than negatives. Connett adds that it takes five positive interactions to counteract the damage of one negative. She recommends starting today. “Like a recovering alcoholic, you need to take one day at a time in order to recover from marital neglect.”

“Communication is the number one key in keeping a relationship strong,” believes Rodriguez. Connett says she often sees couples who leave a session and don’t discuss what has been said in the office during the following week. “It baffles me,” she admits. She says couples need to schedule time to talk every day.

Learning how to exit an argument and how to edit your angry thoughts are also essential to a happy relationship. In his book, When Parents Disagree and What You Can Do About It, Ron Taffel, Ph.D., reveals strategies to reduce your disagreements. He suggests that parents take a time-out, like you would give your child, to calm down and get a clearer perspective.

Although you often can’t avoid arguing in front of the kids, experts agree you should avoid name-calling and bringing up past grievances. At the very least, they say, you should make up in front of the kids as well.

A healthy marriage isn’t just good for the children as they are growing up; parents help shape their youngsters’ future perspective of marriage. Kristi Lott and husband Kevin have been together for seven years. Her mom and dad have been married for 42 years, and her husband’s parents have celebrated more than 38 years marriage. “You make a commitment and you stand by it. You can never think there is another option,” she advises.

Another important element is sharing. “It’s all about mutual respect and responsibility,” says Connett. Taffel writes that moms do too much, but if dads try to help, it’s often tough for the mother to stop being controlling. He attributes that to society’s tendency to blame her for the child’s shortcomings. The disproportionate child rearing on the woman’s part leads to resentment, a lack of intimacy and disagreements over minor issues.

During her 23 years of marriage counseling, Connett has found that men say they don’t get enough sex, while women complain about not getting enough help. “When stressed, men want more sex and women want the opposite,” she observes.

The most important thing moms can do to get that extra help, according to Taffel, is not to criticize, guide or monitor dad’s efforts to do something for the kids. For the man it’s important not just to change behavior, but also to change the whole attitude of division of responsibility.

Taffel urges parents to claim their rights to have a private conversation even when the kids are around, to be affectionate with each other and to focus on nurturing each other. The local couples we talked to agreed. “We take time out for each other away from the kids and spend time with friends we enjoy,” says Lott. Rodriguez says they also make time for themselves. “My husband and I make an effort to have a date night at least once a month. We make it a point not to talk about the kids and spend couple time to really talk and catch up.”

If there are problems, Gottman advises, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. He reports that the average couple waits six years before reaching out for help with a troubled marriage.
During Valentine’s month Connett suggests getting an annual marriage physical. “Like flowers, it is a way to say, ‘I care and our marriage matters.’”