by Gabriel Denes, Ph.D.
I was recently with presented the following
question: My 12-year-old daughter has
a boyfriend at school and wants to go to the
movies with him. I think she’s too young for
a boyfriend, much less dating! Am I being
too strict?
Navigating the concern of too early, too
soon, while safely preserving the jump from
childhood to adolescence, is a tough bridge
for many parents. I have seen this issue
come to play many times in my practice
with teens and ‘tweens who have been in
trouble for these and other reasons.
Middle childhood development is
thought to be the most rapid period of
industrious intellectual learning. Before the
teenage years, we all hope the pre-teen
years are filled with rapid and industrious
learning without the teenage distractions of
hormones and rapidly evolving interest in
the opposite sex. We’d like to protect our
kids from that onslaught as long as possible.
Let’s face it. The dating topic here translates
to a 12-year-old’s desire to navigate an
attraction to the opposite sex. Think of the
feelings of validation, acceptance, positive
self-image and emotional flattery of being
asked out for a date at the age of 12! From
the 'tween’s perspective, a no answer from a
caring parent is not seen as loving and supportive,
but rejection of all of those great
things!
 |
‘Tweens are very tuned in to
the fact that some parents
who are indulgent often set
the standard that ‘tweens
want us to embrace. |
and normally to what other average parents are doing around us, so as not to promote rebellion and oppositionality. A quick look at the local movie theater on any Friday night will probably yield that other
parents are allowing it, so why don’t you, mom/dad
Against our better judgment, we can indulge our ‘tween in the practice of 1:1 dating based on our own experience of parents being“too strict,” thinking erroneously that we are giving our children a jump start on opportunities for growth. Compounding that, ‘tweens
become tuned in to our vulnerabilities and have stronger needs for control, often making us feel guilty because we are not as hip as other parents because we might say no to 1:1 dating until a later time in life.
If parents of ‘tweens run the limit-setting machine off the fuel of guilt or unreasonable 'tween pressures, we run the risk of making some big mistakes. ‘Tweens are also very tuned in to the fact that some parents who are indulgent often set the standard that ‘tweens want us to embrace. When saying no to 1:1 dating at 12, the ‘tween thinks the parent doesn’t trust, lacks confidence in my self-respect, self-control and value system, and may think, "Wow, what an insult!”
Think of all the ways that the world has changed since us “grownups” were ‘tweens. Back in my ancient times in medieval Miami, middle school was called junior high and ran from seventh to ninth grade. Compared to our times, junior high starts in sixth and runs until eighth grade. And high school started later, in tenth rather than ninth grade.
Studies show that sexual maturity also occurs earlier now than in previous generations. So, there are natural bodily pressures to start exploring dating and sexuality, particularly in girls, who tend to mature earlier than boys. Both girls and boys appraise themselves psychologically as developing pubescent features much earlier than the norm rather than later.
Magnify the bodily changes with our much faster-paced sociocultural influences that we consider normal, and we have a recipe for increased interest in dating at an earlier age. As adults, the message we send our children is that we shouldn’t have to wait, and that message may translate to sexuality as well.
The issue of “get it now” is a pervasive theme in our culture. Think of the technologies our children see us utilizing and the messages that get sent about not having to wait, instant gratification and impatience. Today, we pay at the pump. We get mad when we have to wait in line at the store. Many of us have too many televisions in the house and each with cable and video console. Heck, there are even DVD/TV sets in the car to help our children cope with boredom. Remember what we had to do when we weren’t gratified on family trips? God forbid
that our children become bored!
Also, make no bones about it, our children are seeing and hearing more and more often that sexual pleasures are desirable and necessary to fit in. MTV, BET, Hollywood, advertising, musical expression, cell phones, Internet, IM and other technologies have shaped what we
are willing to allow and tolerate as “normal” over the past several years. Descriptions of sex can be seen everywhere, sometimes graphic and sometimes subtle all over the airwaves and print. Just this morning I read a large ad in the local paper about the next best natural sexual enhancement product. Viagra is on the hood of NASCAR.
While we may think our children are maturing both emotionally and physically quite a lot sooner than they used to, the fact is that they are not ready to engage in the responsibilities of the sexual rush. Bodies and media tell them that they are developed and they are ready, but emotional and cognitive development may not be quite as developed.
What are the hazards of early sexual maturity and letting a child act out sexually at an earlier age? We know them all and need to be reminded of STDs and teenage pregnancy. Romantic interest is implied in dating, and with that said, the child’s level of psychosexual development should not be overlooked. The risk implied in the date to the movies is that there will be some degree of sexual interest, which could be acted out. I can’t say how many heartbreaks and
difficulties I have seen over the years in my work with ‘tweens whose parents have been too indulgent with the slippery slope of dating.
While we can’t watch our children 24/7, to avoid early pitfalls parents can do the following:
• Have open dialogue about conformity/independence
• Talk about the realities of sex in medical terms between the
ages of 7-10 (dependent on the maturity level of the child)
• Set limits and supervise media exposure
• Encourage association with positive peers/friends
• Engender self-respect
• Teach manners about how to act around the opposite sex
• Talk with other parents about what has worked for them
• Lead by example in your personal relationship conduct
• Most importantly, remember to take time to meet your children’s
friends and their parents. As ‘tweens mature into teenagers, eventually
their friends become a top source of influence and direction.
Finally, my answer to your question is, “No, you are not being too strict!” With all of this said, there are options and compromises about dating that can be discussed with your 12-year-old. Suggesting that friends (both boys and girls) come to the house for pizza and a movie under parental supervision, or go in groups to places to eat or have fun (not necessarily to dimly lit movies), or go to safe events in groups, is a compromise position many parents take, which often works out favorably as a bridge to dating later on in the teenage years.
Dr. Denes is a licensed family therapist in Columbus.
