by Charlotte L. Bowman

According to Erma Bombeck, grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children. She described it as a twilight zone where you can love them when they’re dry and fed and send them home when they’re wet and hungry.

Being a grandparent today, however, is not all story time, sugar cookies and fun. More and more often, grandparents are rearing their grandchildren when the parents are unable or unwilling.

“It can happen to anyone, regardless of income, situation or race,” said Laura Walker, a kinship care specialist for the Area Agency on Aging at the Lower Chattahoochee Regional Development Center. “There are all sorts of circumstances. I know of one man who is raising his neighbor’s kids.”

In fact, recent studies show that 10 percent (218,208) of all Georgia children are being raised by relatives. The number is increasing due to divorce, drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, death or incarceration of the parents, and parental abuse or neglect.

Far too many children end up in foster care. But for the fortunate ones, grandparents step in and provide stability, love and a sense of family continuity. “There wasn’t a stable home environment,” explained Richard Knevals, 66, who, along with his wife, recently received legal custody of their three young granddaughters. “We were afraid if we didn’t step in, the girls would end up in foster care.”

Haydee Dukes, 55, faced a similar situation when she and her late husband took on the responsibility of raising their four teenage grandchildren. “My daughter got pregnant in high-school. She and the young man tried to make a go of things for several years, but it didn’t work out. Now she works in another city and stays in touch with the children over the phone.”

Raising a second generation has many challenges. “There are so many emotions that get tied into this situation,” Walker explained. “Grandparents want their children to be independent, but they also want to protect the grandchildren.”

For most families the transition can be stressful. While the grandchildren are getting used to a new home and caregivers, the grandparents are readjusting to the responsibilities of parenting all over again. Many grandparents feel alone and unprepared. They may not know where to turn for help.

The Knevals care for their grandchildren while helping thier daughter finish her education.

“For us, the biggest challenge has been learning how to be parents again,” said Knevals, who has health problems. “It’s been 20 years since we’ve been parents. We have to reach down and understand how kids behave all over again.”

Dukes agreed. “I have to work at getting their attention now that they are teenagers. Plus, I have to stay on top of everything like clothes and friends. Keeping open lines of communication is so important. I have to remember that each one is unique.”

Most caregivers face physical, emotional and financial issues, especially in the beginning.“All of a sudden, our household tripled in size,” Knevals recalled. “It made a dent in the utilities and grocery bills. We had to pay for a lot out of pocket, so we started looking around for places that could help.”

Sometimes the children may have medical, psychological and educational needs. One family was alarmed to discover that one of their grandchildren had been molested. They immediately got her into counseling.

On top of it all, grandparents may deal with personal health issues, a lack of energy and a decline in their former social lives. Both Dukes and Knevals have health issues. They understand the importance of taking care of themselves.

“Darwin said only the strong survive, so I turn to God for strength. I rely heavily on my relationship with him,” Dukes said. She also seeks advice and support from her pastor and from Laura Walker.

Fortunately, the Area Agency on Aging is dedicated to helping caregivers in the Columbus and Chattahoochee Valley region who are caring for a younger relative.

“Our goal is to keep these kids out of foster care,” Walker said. “We work with other agencies to provide support for grandparents. We can refer them to the Department of Family and Child Services (DFCS) where they can get access to certain subsidies. We can refer them to counseling, and we can help them keep up with the latest techniques in childcare.”

The agency also sponsors the Kinship Care support group, which meets the third Thursday of every month at the Columbus Public Library. The support group provides a forum for grandparents to network and bond with other families in similar circumstances.

Dukes has been a member of the support group since its first meeting in March 2005.“It was such a blessing to find other families out there struggling with the same challenges,” she said.

Knevals agreed. “We look forward to the meetings because every time we get advice, a light comes on. It helps us get a better understanding for the kids’ sake.”

The Knevals have a game plan. They invited the mother to live with them and are helping her to save money and start night school. They encourage her to be the primary caregiver, regardless of the court order. “She takes care of them and behaves like a mother. It’s like a light has finally come on and she understands what she means to these babies.”

“It works out,” he said. “She knows that I won’t accept any junk. But I’d rather believe that she toes the line not because of me, but because she’s the momma. Hopefully in five years they’ll be settled somewhere as a family, and we’ll have our house back.” he said.

Despite the challenges, there are joys too. “Sometimes we see the kids sleeping in their beds and we feel good knowing that they are being cared for and in a safe place,” Knevals said.