by Mandy Ochoa

We’ve all heard stories—or experienced it ourselves. Whether it’s leaving a baby with a sitter or taking a child to “big school” for the first time, separation can strike fear in the hearts of our children and, truth be known, our hearts as well.

Simply put, “separation anxiety is characterized by a child getting upset when the parent tries to leave him or her with someone else,” according to Terri Hawze, director of student services/counseling at St. Luke School.

Because preschool is one of the first experiences children have being away from the parents or primary caregiver, separation anxiety is not uncommon, according to Growing Room owner Sheree Mitchell, who is also a registered nurse.

“Some degree of separation anxiety is a sign that the preschooler has developed healthy attachments to loved ones,” said Brittany Haines, vice president of operations and human resources for Growing Room Child Development Centers.

A big hug is part of the goodbye ritual each morning for Gage Chesser and his mom, Casey.

“The timing of separation anxiety, if it appears at all, varies from child to child but typically appears between the ages of 18 months and two-and-a-half years. During this time, on average, the child has a fully developed sense of object permanence, which means that they realize people and objects exist even when they are out of sight,” Hawze said.

“Signs of separation anxiety at the preschool level include: crying, reluctance to join a group activity, temper tantrums, constantly asking for parent and begging the parent to stay,” said Haines.

So, do we consider ourselves home-free after we get our child through preschool and assume he’ll be fine going to kindergarten? Not necessarily. “Separation anxiety can appear even in older children when significant changes occur such as beginning ‘big’ school,” Hawze explained.

“Some children may never experience it. And for others, certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent: a new child care situation or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tension at home,” according to an article on the website KidsHealth for Parents:
kidshealth.org/parent /emotions/feelings/separation_anxiety.html

Take heart. To some degree, most children experience separation anxiety. You’re not alone!

Hawze said home-schooled children who enter school are no likelier than other students to experience separation anxiety “if the home schooled child has been exposed to a variety of people and situations outside of the home such as church, home-school groups, private art or music lessons, sports or Scouts.”Hawze offered the following tips for coping with separation anxiety:

• Visit the new environment ahead of time with your child. Introduce them to the caregiver or teacher and let them become familiar with the environment. Be enthusiastic and positive and show your child you have confidence in them.
• Be calm and consistent – start a good-bye routine that you can be consistent with. Say your loving and firm goodbye. Reassure your child that you will return. Do not go back as this will just make things worse.
• Set up a time you can call the caregiver or teacher to check on your child. Generally give it about 20 minutes. Most children will get caught up in the daily routine and will be fine by this time.
• Most children outgrow separation anxiety. If your child does not adapt in a reasonable time you may want to seek the advice of a professional.

Haines and Mitchell offer an additional tip: Develop a “goodbye” ritual. Rituals are reassuring and can be as simple as a special wave through the window or a special kiss. Be calm. Children are sensitive to a parent’s moods and fears. Be positive, smile and say, “Goodbye. I will see you after naptime,” and leave.

“There are some good books out there to read with young children: “The Good-Bye Book” by Judith Viorst, “The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn, and “Even If I Spill My Milk?” by Anita Grossnickle. A librarian could help parents find others that are appropriate,” Hawze said.

Sometimes no matter what you try, you have to re-evaluate the situation if problems continue, especially at the daycare and preschool levels.

Experts say the center or school might not be a good match for your child if he continues to cry and become anxious when you leave. Haines and Mitchell emphasize, however, that plenty of preparation can circumvent much of the drama of separating. Letting a child become familiar with a caregiver before being left, being left for short periods of time, taking a favorite toy or blanket, having a picture of the family at the child-care center—all these are ways to ease the transition and ensure a good match from the get-go.

Caregivers can do a lot to help children through their anxiety, such as introducing themselves and offering to play with the child, then having consistent daily routines, Haines and Mitchell said.

One thing all the experts seem to agree on is that parents should not sneak out. This adds to the child’s anxiety, even if it seems to save problems short-term.

Haines and Mitchell point out that, while separation anxiety is normal, there are some children who develop separation anxiety disorder. This disorder is suspected in children who are excessively anxious about separating from their parent or primary caregiver and the anxiety goes on for longer than four weeks.

Some signs you may want to look for are:
• The child having unrealistic worries about the safety of a loved one (such as death, kidnapping, getting lost)
• Prolonged temper tantrums
• Nightmares regarding separation
• Persistent refusal to be alone without the presence of an adult or loved one
• Reluctance to go to sleep without a loved one or parent

As always, if a problem persists, talk to the teacher, counselor or director at your child’s school. Consult your physician or a therapist if you think professional help is needed.