by Arlene Sprague, Ph.D.
As children move through the early elementary school years, from 6-9 years of age, one of the changes that typically occurs is a shift from intrinsic or internal motivation to a greater focus on extrinsic or external forms of motivation. For example, when preschoolers paint, they are involved in the process of painting. They enjoy the feeling of putting paint on paper. They paint because they like doing it, not because they expect some sort of reward or positive feedback. That is intrinsic motivation. The desire to paint, or play, or just run around comes entirely from within.
As children mature beyond age 5, they begin to be more and more interested in adult responses to what they do and what they produce. They become more extrinsically motivated. Feedback, criticism, and praise start to matter more than ever before. In the process, intrinsic forms of motivation may be lost. This is a concern, because intrinsic motivation has been linked to high achievement, creativity and passion for a career or avocation.
How can we as parents help our youngsters maintain that inner spark of passion? One way may be to help children reflect on their own activities. When a child completes a project for school that has required several hours of work, when a child engages in a creative activity, when a child has put effort into practicing a piece of music — these and other similar situations introduce an opportunity for parents to present questions that may encourage reflection and a sense of accomplishment that comes from within, a moment to focus on the intrinsic aspects of a job well done.
Here are some useful questions to help your child reflect on what they’ve completed. Not every question will fit every situation, but hopefully you will find a few useful queries to get your conversation going.
- You worked hard on that, didn’t you? Do you feel proud of what you did?
- If you compared the effort you put into this project to anything similar you’ve done before, would you say you worked harder than ever, pretty hard, or not very hard at all? How do you feel about the effort you put into it?
- What was the best part of the project? Why did you especially enjoy that part? (This may also help your child identify some areas of strength.)
- What was the most difficult part of your work? What do you think made that part seem especially hard?
- How did you get through that tough part? How do you feel about sticking with it until you managed that?
- Now that you’ve completed this project, do you think you’d like to do something similar again?
- What could you do next time to make the project even more enjoyable for you?
- What is more important to you, the effort you put in, what you learned/ the progress you made, or what other people think about what you did?
In talking with your child about these questions and the feelings they evoke, it is very important to accept the child’s explanations and feelings. Even though you may feel inclined to say, “Oh, I’m sure you don’t really mean that,” or some similar protest, remember that what is important is to let the child reflect and express how they feel at that moment.
Telling them they shouldn’t feel the way they feel is a sure way to close an open channel of communication. Accept any negativity, and see if your youngster can think of ways to make a similar activity more fun or more successful in the future. Keep it light, positive, and open. Your child may walk away from your chat with a sense of pride in accomplishment and new insights about strengths, feelings, and work well done.
For older children, journaling is an excellent way to express feelings about their work, their efforts, their successes, their likes and dislikes. Providing them with a list of questions similar to those above may give children starters for writing about the work they’ve done. Be sure to respect your child’s privacy and ask if they mind if you read any part of what they’ve written. Don’t be hurt if they say no. They may prefer to talk with you, but to keep their written thoughts private. That’s what journaling is all about— having a chance to express and record our experiences and feelings for ourselves. What a great way to also reflect on accomplishments!
Dr. Arlene Sprague has a Ph.D. in Educational Psychology from the University of Tennessee. She recently retired as a full professor of psychology at Lincoln Memorial University in Harrogate, Tenn..
