by Lenn Arrington

My parents spend so much money on my children. How can I tactfully ask them to stop overindulging the kids at the holidays?

Prior to the holiday season take the time to sit down with your parents. Let them know how much you appreciate all they do for your children. Acknowledge that it is wonderful how much they want to give to their grandchildren, but that they do not have to buy all these extravagant gifts. Children easily become overwhelmed with such an abundance of material things and are unable to appreciate everything they receive. Instead of spending money, it is more important for your parents to spend time with their grandchildren, taking them on outings or simply playing together. To help your parents stay within a reasonable budget, give them suggestions of gifts that both you and your children would appreciate. Also, another way for your parents to give to their grandchildren might be to put their money towards the children’s future by starting a college fund or purchasing saving bonds.

Santa comes to my house, so my children don’t get big, exciting gifts from me, but they do get big presents from my ex-husband. My children think I am slighting them. How can I make things more equitable with an uncooperative ex-spouse?

There are many aspects to this question. Based on the ages of the children, how much emphasis do you want to keep on Santa Claus? Why is it important for Santa to give all the “big” gifts? In other words, could mom give bigger gifts than Santa?

How have your children expressed to you that they feel slighted by the gifts they have received? Do your children believe that gift giving is the only way to express love? Take this opportunity to ask your children about what love means to them. Discuss with them that the expression of love is more than who can give the bigger or better gifts. Also explain that gifts are not a competition between parents.

Ideally, it would be that your ex-husband would cooperate with you in the gift giving. A true gift for your children would be for you and your ex-husband to parent cooperatively even though divorced. One effective way to improve your interactions with your ex-spouse would be to seek counseling focused on developing communication skills. After all, the Santa issue is only one of many that will need to be resolved as the children grow older.

Lenn Arrington, Ed.S, LPC, is a licensed therapist with Columbus Psychological Associates in Brookstone Centre. Her specialties include therapy with children, adolescents and families. 706-653-6841 ext. 327