by Jackie Titus
What does it feel like to be a member of your family? Does it feel just plain ol’ good? Is it fun? Is hanging out together a priority and something that is looked forward to by everyone? Or, is there a feeling of franticness? Is everyone constantly rushing around and repeatedly being told to hurry up? Does it feel like the family is controlled by the clock? Is there a constant knot in your stomach because you never have enough time to get everything done? If you answered yes to this last set of questions, you are like a growing number of American families struggling to find balance in their lives.
Many parents have bought into the belief that being a good parent means giving their children every opportunity they possibly can. Further, they believe that doing this is necessary for their children to be admitted to a top-notch college and for their children to be successful adults. These beliefs have led parents to create a style of parenting referred to by child psychiatrist Alvin Rosenfeld as “hyper-parenting.” In these families, parents act as activity directors, chauffeuring children to soccer, hockey, piano, Scouts, baseball, karate, gymnastics, dance, religious youth activities…… well you get the picture. Kind of makes one breathless, just reading about it, doesn’t it?
I am sure that parents who engage in “hyper-parenting” have good intentions and believe they are doing what is best for their children. And it is true that some extra-curricular activities are necessary if children are to be well-rounded individuals. Extra-curricular activities can be an important way for children to develop talents and interests that sustain them in adulthood. However, there is increasing evidence and research that shows it is time for many American families to give serious thought to the effects over-scheduling is having on children.
The following list of negative effects over-scheduling can have is not inclusive, but does focus on those that give cause for greatest concern.
Family life is being eroded. Parents have allowed activities to take priority over family relationships. In the past 20 years structured sports time has doubled and unstructured children’s activities have gone down 50 percent, household conversations have become far less frequent, family dinners have declined 33 percent, and family vacations have decreased 28 percent. I have heard grandparents lament that family vacations and holiday get-togethers are often impossible because of the grandchildren’s participating in traveling sports teams.
Today’s over-scheduling leaves families almost no time to discuss, share and just enjoy each other. Yet, study after study confirms that the best predictor of a good life is family relationships. Could it be that family time is as important as education, athletics, and activities, and in large measure, determines a child’s ability to benefit from these things?
Children feel overwhelmed. They are stretched in so many directions that they do not excel at anything. Additionally, they often burnout and lose interest in participating in even those activities that they once enjoyed.
Children are stressed beyond their ability to cope with it. Many experts believe that there may be a connection between overscheduling and the large numbers of children being diagnosed with ADD, depression and anxiety and eating disorders.
There is no opportunity for down time. According to a University of Michigan study, since the late 1970s children have lost 12 hours per week in free time, including a 25 percent drop in playing and a 50 percent drop in unstructured outdoor activities. Children must have time to just play, veg out, entertain themselves and daydream. Imagination and creativity are fostered by unstructured time.
Children often end up exhausted and sleep deprived. The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute says that children’s not getting enough sleep can result in difficulties with schoolwork (It definitely affects memory.) and problems in relationships with friends and family. Out of concern, the Institute has started a national campaign to encourage better sleep habits among children. Pre-school and school-age children should receive 10-11 hours of sleep per night.
Erosion of the marriage.
The couple’s relationship is usually the first thing to go when there is a time crunch. And yet, here too, the research shows over and over that nothing affects the well-being of children like their parents’ marriage. Also, remember that one of the most important things a parent does is role model for their children how to have a marriage.
If you believe your family is over-scheduled and could benefit from living a more balanced life, there are some wonderful resources available to you. (See the suggested reading list and web sites.) There are no formulas that apply to every family or child, but here are some guidelines that could be very helpful:
- Make spending family time together a priority. You only get one chance to get it right. Your children will be with you a limited number of years. If you don’t spend time creating family rituals and traditions with your children, there just may not be any reason for them to spend time with you when they are adults.
- Put family activities on your calendar with as much commitment as you put the children’s activities or anything else on there; for example, every Friday night is pizza and movie night, one Sunday a month is lunch with grandparents, etc.
- Build down time into the family schedule. Many child experts agree that free time for play and social interaction can be better for a child’s development than too many organized or structured activities.
- Limit activities. Doing so doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. It means you can take charge and make decisions that are good for the whole family. The National Association of Elementary School Principals recommends one activity at a time for young children, with that activity meeting only once or twice a week. If you want your child to experience more than one activity, the Association recommends different activities season by season, rather than more than one activity in a single season.
- Let your children choose the activities they are going to be involved in. Pushing children into an activity they are not interested in can result in resentment and failure.
- Before committing to an activity, help your children learn what all is involved. How much time will it take? Will there be practice outside of actual participation, as in music lessons? How might the activity impact on school, family time and social activities? What are the costs involved? Can the family afford it? Is there a period of time that the child will be required to stick with the activity before they will be allowed to quit? Will the activity enrich the child’s life, or merely add another routine.
- Don’t be surprised or disappointed if the child decides he is no longer interested in an activity. Childhood is about change and exploration. It is about learning what your likes and dislikes are.
- Have dinner together as a family. Current research shows that children who eat meals with their families at least three times a week without the distraction of television do better academically, psychologically, socially and behaviorally. The largest federally funded study of American teens found a strong association between regular family meals and academic success and psychological adjustment. Research by the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Center for Adolescent Health and Development reports that the more meals kids eat with their family, the less likely they are to participate in high-risk behaviors. What more do we need to know? In spite of all of the research, according to the U.S. Surgeon General, this oldest and most important social ritual has almost disappeared.
- Watch for signs of being overextended. Are your children forgetting things? Are there missed assignments? Are grades dropping? Is the child tired all the time? Is she falling asleep in school or in the car? Is he irritable? Is bad behavior becoming a problem at school?
- Nurture your marriage. Build in regular time for you and your spouse to enjoy each other. There is possibly no greater gift you can give your children.
Participating in extracurricular activities may result in developing interests that will be meaningful to a person for the rest of their life. Playing sports is a good way to learn team work and discipline. Making friends is often another positive outcome of children’s activities. Children who pursue activities with family support generally do better in school and have better family relationships. However, the problems arise when the activities take on a life of their own and take precedence over everything else. While extracurricular activities are beneficial, they are not a substitute for family time. It is imperative that when you are making decisions regarding your children’s activities that you think about what best preserves family life.
Preserving family life has the greatest possibility for making your children successful in the future. A classic study was done in Massachusetts on potential juvenile delinquents. Forty years later a Harvard psychiatrist followed up on these people, who were then in their 50s. It was found that what most predicted whether or not they were going to have a good life was neither poverty nor abuse. Rather, it was having had one good relationship. Time enjoyed with family can give a child the strength needed to face the demands of their world — whether that is in the classroom, on the baseball diamond or on a stage.
In the book How, Then, Shall We Live? the author Wayne Muller says, “The spiritual life is not a process of addition, but rather of subtraction. We cannot love so many things, populating our lives with more and more, hoping to feel satisfied. The faster we go and the more we do, the sooner we forget what we love. We misplace those things that truly nourish our deepest heart.” This may be the day you want to say to your family, “Because I love you, I need some time with you. Let’s all have pizza together Friday night. Just our family.”
WHY MEALTIME IS IMPORTANT
Research by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University consistently finds the more often children eat dinner with their families:
- The less likely they are to smoke, drink or use illegal drugs.
- The less likely they are to have sex at young ages.
- They are at lower risk for thoughts of suicide.
- They are more emotionally content and have fewer behavior problems.
- They have healthier eating habits.
- They do better in school.
CONVERSATION STARTERS FOR MEALTIMES
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- What were the worst thing and the best thing that happened today?
- If you were given $500 to do anything you want, what would you do?
- If you could meet any person in the world, who would it be and why?
- Who is your favorite hero and why?
- What do you value most about yourself?
- What would you like to improve on?
- Of what moment are you most proud?
- Would you rather have a party with a few friends or lots of friends?
- What is your favorite holiday and why?
Taken from Putting Family First by William J. Doherty and Barbara Z. Carlson
QUIZ: ARE YOU A FRANTIC FAMILY?
- We struggle to find time for unhurried family meals? T or F
- I think we spend too much time getting to and from our children’s activities. T or F
- Homework can be difficult to squeeze into the children’s schedules. T or F
- My kids don’t have enough time to hang out and entertain themselves. T or F
- I wish we spent more time home as a family. T or F
- It is hard to visit with relatives and family friends because we are so busy. T or F
- We don’t go on family trips and outings as much as we would like. T or F
- Even on weekends it can be hard to get the whole family together because of everyone’s schedules. T or F
Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for each true answer. Add up your points. If your total is 6 to 8, you are probably a seriously frantic family. If your total is 3 to 5, you are probably a somewhat frantic family. If 0 to 2, congratulations!
Taken from Putting Family First by William J. Doherty and Barbara Z. Carlson
