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by Calista Sprague

Although millions of us traverse the path of motherhood, no two journeys are alike. We enter at different points along the way, some through pregnancy and birth, others through adoption or marriage. We draw from our own histories and experiences, gleaning wisdom from our mothers and grandmothers. We are influenced by the latest research, and we lean on one another for advice and support.

This month we celebrate Mother’s Day. We celebrate our own journeys and those of the women around us.

Tiffany Bonaker
Even as a child Tiffany looked forward to motherhood. “I always loved children growing up. I would baby-sit, and I just always had this vision of being a mom and having a houseful of kids.” Now she is mom to Lauren, 13, and Will, 10. “I just couldn’t imagine my life without them. They bring such joy to my life.”

Tiffany set out as a working mom, going back to work when Lauren was six weeks old, but she stayed home longer with Will. “It’s so important at that age to be with your kids. If anyone has the chance to be a stay-at-home mom, I think they should take it. It’s a sacrifice financially, but in the long run, you become such a richer person when you spend more time with your kids.”

For Tiffany, motherhood is a constant balancing act. “I want to make sure that I’m doing a good job as a mom, making sure that they do the right thing. But then again, I want them to be independent and free thinkers. It’s a challenge sometimes to stand back and let them make their own decisions, to see whether or not they make the right choices.”

Her efforts seem to be paying off. Both children are thriving. “Lauren has amazed me since the day she was born. Every year her teachers come up to me and David to tell us what an amazing daughter we have. They thank us for raising such a smart, polite, helpful and giving young lady. I immediately start beaming and as always, tear up a little. When I hear these comments, we know that we have done something right.

“Will is my sweetheart. A couple of years ago, a teacher told David that he thought Will was doing a great job as a mentor.” Unbeknownst to his parents, for six months Will had been volunteering to mentor a fellow student. “Evidently Will asked if he could go to speech with a friend so he could help him read. He never said a word to us. He said that it was something he felt in his heart he needed to do. Amazing kid!”

Tiffany is quick to praise her parents and grandparents for setting strong examples. “I had two of the greatest parents. Of course they had their times when they lost their cool, but they were always there for us. And they still are to this day.

“My mom and my grandmom are my two greatest inspirations for being a mother.” She credits the two women for endowing her with patience and understanding. “My grandmother is the most caring and giving person. She wants you to be the best that you can be.”

Tiffany struggles, like many modern mothers, to maintain balance between work, her children’s activities, volunteering and family time. “Sometimes we get caught up in everything that’s going on, but we try to find time to do things together as a family. That’s important.”

When asked to share a piece of advice, Tiffany offered words of wisdom that she struggles to follow herself. “Slow down—if that’s humanly possible. I’m bad at it. I help at church a lot, I help at school and with other activities, but the most important thing is family and spending time with them. Especially at this age because they will be gone and off to college before you know it.”

Marquette McKnight
The day Marquette married Rick, she not only signed on to be a wife, she also said, “I do,” to motherhood. Rick was custodial parent to daughter Mitchi, then 12, and son Mac, 9. “I had to learn to be a parent instantaneously,” Marquette remembered. And since Rick traveled for work, Marquette was often the only parent at home. “One day you’re not married and you don’t have children, and the next day you’re married and you’re responsible.”

Marquette knew it would take time to earn the respect and love of her new wards, but she took her role to heart. “I hate the term stepmother,” she confided. “I’ll never forget one of the Mother’s Day presents I received was a coffee mug with Mitchi and Mac’s photo on it, and in Mac’s handwriting it said, ‘To the World’s Best Vice Mom.’ I remember thinking how sensitive he was to that feeling of mine that I did not want to be a stepmother, I wanted to be a parent.”

As with all parents, Marquette aided in the development of the children’s self-concepts. “There was a big joke in our family where Rick would always say to Mitchi, ‘You are so beautiful,’ and I would add every time, ‘and smart.’ Then it got to the point where Rick would say, ‘You are so beautiful,’ and Mitchi would say, ‘and smart.’ And she believed it. She knew it to be true. That was a really proud moment, knowing I had fostered that.

Marquette points out that giving birth does not necessarily make a person a good parent, and that people too often underestimate the love of adoptive parents and stepparents. The power of her own maternal attachment shown through the day they moved Mitchi into her dorm at Georgia Tech.

“I was really nervous about leaving her because I just knew Rick was going to be a basket case. But we got in the car, and I burst into tears. It just hit me, and for weeks I felt like I had lost a really good friend,” Marquette remembered tearfully. “I didn’t realize how much I would miss her.”

Any void left by Mitchi and Mac’s departure to adulthood has been filled to overflowing with the joy of grandparenting. Mitchi’s daughters, Ruthie and Martha, offer a constant source of fun. “I didn’t expect the fierceness of wanting them to love us and love being with us. It’s like getting to have your children without that huge burden of responsibility. It’s being able to blow soap bubbles and go on a walk. It’s sharing the funny things that Ruthie says everyday, and it’s just flat fun.”

Marquette worries about the over-scheduling of children today. “Among other grandmothers, we talk about the lost beauty of ‘Go outside and play.’ I see it with nieces and nephews who have something every day of the week, dancing and soccer and cheerleading and ballet and guitar. It doesn’t give children enough time to build their imagination and become creative on their own.” She contributes much of her own success, professionally and personally, to the wealth of time her family spent making their own fun.

When asked what she gleaned about parenting from her own parents, Marquette grew thoughtful. “The overriding message we got, day in, day out from my parents was the capacity and the ability to love.” Marquette’s parents talked often of giving to others, “not only to those less fortunate than you, but loving family and loving every kind of family. That generosity of spirit and ability to love permeates our home and every one of my sisters’ homes today.”

Virginia Pope
Virginia had a hand in rearing six children and now enjoys her five grandchildren. The former child development professor also ran a lab school for 5-year-olds, so she knows a thing or two about children. “To me it’s so exciting. It’s like having a blank canvas to watch them grow and learn and feel excitement. That’s the time of life that every little thing makes them so excited.”

In her roles as mother and grandmother, Virginia regularly applied her understanding of child behavior and development. “I’m not much on spanking. I never did that with my children. I think you just have to learn what is appropriate for each age level. William, for instance, is 2, and you can say ‘no’ to him all day long. He’s beginning to learn what it means, but the best method is just to divert him. After you’ve taken that item away, or stopped whatever he’s doing, just give him something that is acceptable behavior.”

According to Virginia, parents should strive to shape their children’s behavior while maintaining a sense of wonder. “I think our goal in rearing children is to rear socially acceptable children who are excited about life and learning,” she said. To that end, she cites consistency as key. “When I used to teach, I would say to the students, ‘The most important thing for a child is be consistent in whatever you are doing.’’’

Virginia admits that consistency can be challenging, however. “They test you, mine did anyway, but they need you to be consistent. Don’t say to them, ‘You can’t do this,’ and then next time let them do it, because it completely confuses them. If they have a bedtime at a certain time, then there is security in knowing that this is what’s going to happen every day.”

Also central to Virginia’s parenting philosophy: reasonable boundaries. “I can remember when I was teaching school and money was tight. I took the children to the circus in Birmingham. When we walked in the door, Wes wanted some kind of light that was ridiculously expensive. I said, ‘I’m sorry, that’s not in our budget. We’ll just enjoy the circus.’ The entire time he made us all miserable because he fussed so about that light. I said to him, ‘You’re not going anywhere for a month!’ As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized what I had said was an unrealistic expectation. Of course I couldn’t follow through. A week might have been more reasonable. So I think as parents we need to think about what we expect and make sure that it is age appropriate.”

Despite the challenges, Virginia reveled in motherhood. “I enjoyed every stage of my children. I enjoyed the teenage years—as much as you can enjoy teenage years,” she laughed, “but I did enjoy having their friends over and watching them go to their first prom and learning to drive and all. Then going off to school was fun, but the most fun is the grandchildren.”

Like Marquette, Virginia appreciates the freedom grandparenting allows. “You spoil them and do all the fun things with them, but you don’t feel the tremendous responsibility for making sure that they eat properly and they go to bed at a certain time,” she explained.

“We go on golf cart adventures in the winter. We ride out through the woods and we swing on vines and look in holes to see what kind of animal might be living in it. We feel the moss and see how soft it is, and it’s such fun.”

The fun of grandparenting exceeded Virginia’s expectations. “It’s everything I expected and more. They just love you so.”

However divergent the paths of motherhood may be, we all share a single aspiration: to produce healthy, happy, successful adult children.

“My children are my biggest accomplishments,” Tiffany says, “and when I die if there is nothing else people can say about me, I hope they will say that I was a great mom.”

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