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by Borden Black

Moving away from friends, school and home every two years. Long separations from a parent. Concern about the safety of mom or dad. Those are just some of the issues that routinely face Army children, or “brats” as they are fondly called. I should know. I was one.

Because of the unusual lifestyle, parenting takes on some special twists in the military family, but some of the techniques used are common to all moms.

The morning I went to talk with Tina Sager, her 9-year-old daughter Hannah was home from school with a stomachache. Tina doubted that was the real reason for the request to miss a day of class, but with dad in Afghanistan, the Army mom was giving her daughter a little slack. There has been a lot of coping going on. Three-year-old Noah took husband Tom’s recent deployment particularly hard. “He was daddy’s boy, and he can’t understand why his dad deserted us,” Tina explained, and as a result she has been a little more lenient. The little boy has now bounced back and understands that Dad is at work.

The Sager family, which includes Tina, Hannah, Noah, Matthew (22) and Zachary (17), has been in the Army for 12 years and has moved five times. Because of the difficult transition of leaving friends and having to start over in new school activities and move in a new home every couple of years, Tina feels that giving her kids consistency and a feeling of stability is important. For that reason she stayed behind with the children during one reassignment so her oldest could graduate from the high school he had been attending. She also believes in keeping the family involved in lots of activities.

Tina says military kids, more than others, need to feel wanted. “We’re always together no matter where we are,” she tells them.

Listening to their problems and needs is also particularly important, Tina believes. She says the older kids tell her everything, and while sometimes that can be difficult, she would rather know what is going on in their lives.

“When you marry a soldier, you are a single parent,” said Tina pointing to the deployments and training assignments that separate military families. “From 50/50 it goes to 100 percent, 90 percent of the time … wow!” she comments about the parenting required.

Marita Hickey agrees that a military spouse shoulders most of the burden alone. She and husband Marc and their four sons, 15-year-old triplets Patrick, Marc and William and 12-year-old Sean, have spent 20 years moving around. That means the kids don’t have the same friends from the time they start school until they graduate, and that is something they miss out on. “I have to be both mother and friend,” Marita explained.

There are some benefits to the Army way of life. During the separations, Marita has found that she and the boys have become more independent. That can be confusing when the soldier comes home and finds the family has taken over some of the duties he used to perform.

“The Army pretty much comes first,” admits Kelli Houston. Even though she doesn’t wear a uniform and has no rank, she joined the Army when she married Buddy in 1996. Since then they have moved five times with children Emily (23), Rachel (12) and Sam (6).

It’s not just the moving, but how quickly the children must grow up, said Kelli. They are introduced to tough situations early in life that other children don’t usually encounter, like separation, injury and death. With that kind of uncertainty, Kelli believes in taking every opportunity to make memories with the family. “The days go by so quickly, and for us you never know when your husband will be gone. So if there is a weekend we can get away or a ball game we can go to, we do it.”

While an Army mom has a challenging job, those we talked to see the military as an extended family in which everyone looks out for each other. Since the kids are always under someone’s watchful eye, Kelli says, “You always try to do the right thing.”

Jackie and Ryan Kuhn’s kids moved 17 times during the family’s Army career. The biggest challenge, Jackie says, has been pumping up the family for the next move. “As they got older it got harder because they were leaving friends,” she admitted. Justin (23) and Jennason (20) have now left home for school and work, but 16-year-old Joshua is still at home and in high school.

Over the years Jackie developed some strategies for making the changes easier. “Every move had to be an adventure,” she explained. She would immediately throw them into activities like sports and meeting the neighborhood kids at the new post. It would take about six months, Jackie estimates, for them to get acclimated and make some buddies, and then it was almost time to move again. “We’re short timers, so if you don’t make your friends immediately, you’re not going to make any.”

Like Tina, Jackie feels she is more lenient with her kids because of all they have to cope with.With dad away so much of the time, Jackie found that playing the good guy and the bad guy was hard. “I set parameters and they knew that,” she explained “but every once in a while we would throw the parameters out.”

Humor is Jackie’s answer to how to deal with the stress. “You have to be able to laugh at yourself so others can laugh with you.” She believes that if you have a good sense of humor, you will be a richer person.

Like every mother, StacyMiller is concerned about her kids’ education and worries that moving from one school to another can be detrimental. She points out that the curriculum changes from school to school. A child could entirely miss an important skill since it might be taught in different grade levels at different schools. For that reason, Stacy has been very proactive in the instruction that her sons Jamie (8) and Jackson (10) receive. She researched the curriculum in their last school and their current school so she could tell the new teacher what they have learned and what they might be missing.

Deployment is the issue that all the moms say is the most difficult, and Stacy says she finds it particularly hard with boys. “They need a positive male role model,” she said. For that reason she turns to teachers, friends and coaches that are good role models and gets her boys on their teams, and she has friends take them out fishing.

Having a schedule is important, not just for infants and toddlers, but also for military children since it gives them some comfort and stability, Stacy said. It also provides her with some sanity … something all the moms say they constantly seek. From my own perspective of growing up in the military, my parents and those of my friends were resourceful and resilient. They believed in discipline, but, knowing all the additional stresses faced by the military child, practiced understanding. In turn, the children grew up to be independent, outgoing adults who are able to adapt. Not such a bad outcome.

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