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by Mike Venable
Part II
I want to begin where I left off last
month, so if you’ve mounted this horse
in the middle of the proverbial stream,
you can catch up by clicking here.
I ran out of space in last month’s issue
to really drill down into this style issue.
When do I assert my parenting style? When can I effectively discipline these kids who belong to someone else? How do I learn how to love these boys? When will I stop feeling like a stranger in someone else’s home?
If you are a stepfather and you give a damn, I feel quite sure you have asked yourself all these same questions. If you are a stepfather and you haven’t wondered these things, you probably are not engaged enough in your marriage or in your role as a father figure. Often times, the natural father was put out of the marriage because of one reason or another that rendered him poor father material. In our case, the behavior of Jill’s sons’ alcoholic father created a hostile environment that precipitated the end of the marriage.
I came on to the scene when Jill’s boys were 6 and 10 years old, and their father was still pretty upset that I was there. He referred to me as Jill’s “excess baggage,” and as a result of his illness, things were often kept stirred up in our home. It was my job as father-in-residence to provide strength and stability to these wounded boys. For quite some time I just didn’t know what to do.
I made my mind up to go straight at
the problem. Since the boys seemed to
catch on pretty quickly that there was an
adversarial relationship between their
father and me, I made a move to head
them off at the pass. I went to see their
father, Paul Riddle, and we discussed a
man-to-man plan to father these boys in
a more intelligent manner.
Sadly, Paul died of complications from his illness near his 61st birthday this past August. He died as my friend. He was someone who loved and cared for his sons the best he could with the illness he fought. My role, while he was alive, was to be there when he couldn’t be. My role, now that he’s gone, is to try to be the man these boys need me to be to help them find their way in this very difficult life.
Looking back at my life and at whatever time I might have left here on this earth, the accomplishment of which I’m the most proud is being a father to Nicholas and Christopher Riddle. You might think this strange, since they are not of my flesh and bone. A man’s natural children are bound by the laws of God and nature to love him. It is altogether something different to be loved by sons who are big enough men to extend their love to someone who didn’t provide the DNA to make them.
My sons, Nicholas and Christopher, are just that kind of men, and the love they’ve given me is right at the top of a very short list of things I most treasure. When they tell me that they love me, I know just how much ground had to be covered to get us all to a place where those words could be said. That is ground I would gladly crawl over every day for the rest of my life, even if I had to do it with bare knees over ground covered with broken glass. That is how much their love and respect means to me.
If you’re in the tough, but enviable
position of being a “stepfather,” and if
you play your cards just right, you have
something wonderful in your future.
That future is mostly in your hands,
fathers. It is time for you to step up.
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