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by Jackie Titus
Many parents believe Vince Lombardi’s legendary statement “Quitters never win and winners never quit.”Consequently, hearing a child say he wants to quit can strike terror in a parent’s heart. Parents fear allowing a child to quit one activity begins a pattern of not being able to commit and see things through. “I wanna quit” is often the beginning of a parent/child struggle and much soul searching on the parent’s part about how to respond.
When children make decisions, they are focused on what
makes them happy now. They do not have the big picture nor
understand how what they do today is possibly determining their
future. I think we know what would happen if children were
allowed to decide whether to go to school depending on how they
feel when they get up each morning. Parents do have the big picture.
Understanding that the patterns established today can influence
a child’s ability to commit to major events later, such as
marriage and a career, creates the dilemma in deciding whether
to allow a child to quit an activity or push them to stay with it. It
is the parent’s responsibility to hold on to the big picture and use
it in deciding whether or not to let a child quit.
In addition to keeping the big picture in mind there are some things a parent can do to try to prevent the “I wanna quit” circumstances from occurring. Before allowing a child to begin an activity consider the following:
Is the activity age appropriate? Is the child mature enough to be as disciplined, focused and committed as the activity requires? Some parents put children in activities they are too young to benefit from.
Does the child have the complete picture? How much time will it take? What does it mean to practice? How long will the activity last? What sacrifices are involved? When children say they want to do something, they’re thinking only of having fun. David Elkind, professor of child development at Tufts University, says parents need to remember kids usually overestimate how much they will enjoy an activity.
Stress to your child that once an activity has begun, he cannot drop out. If the commitment is to a team, the child has to see the season through. If a financial investment is required for an activity such as dance or music, require the child to promise a certain time commitment.
Limit the number of activities your child is involved in. This can prevent burn out and feeling overwhelmed. The National Association of Elementary School Principals recommends one activity at a time for young children. If you want your child to experience more than one activity, the association recommends different activities season by season, rather than more than one activity in a single season.
Allow the child to choose the activity. Pressuring a child to participate in an activity because we think she should, rarely works out.
Examine your expectations. The goals of the activity should help the child develop characteristics such as discipline, commitment and perseverance; teach team work; provide an opportunity to see if they like the activity; and learning discover their talents. If you expect your child to excel or to be on an Olympic team, they may want to quit for fear of failing or letting you down.
Even if we have done all the right things when deciding to allow a child to participate in an activity, there is a good chance we might still hear, “I wanna quit!” Then what? At this point it is very important to try to determine what is behind this statement.
• Is the child over-scheduled?
• Is the child feeling challenged? Has he
realized the activity is more difficult
than he expected? It is believed that
this is most often the reason a child
wants to stop an activity.
• Is there a problem with the coach, the
teacher or the teammates?
• Is the activity really not a fit for the
child?
• Is the child feeling pressured by you to
excel?
After determining what the problem is, what can be done to resolve it?
The activity may need to be eliminated if your child is involved in too many activities.
Your child may need reassurance that it is important to be challenged and may need help digging in to rise to the occasion. It is good for children to struggle and learn that it takes work and perseverance to become good at something. Allowing them to quit at the first sign of difficulty prevents their ever learning these important lessons. We don’t grow, develop and build confidence by doing what we are already good at.
If the quitting attitude stems from feelings about a coach or teacher, parents may need to share concerns with that person and enlist their help in resolving the problem.
The child may need help developing new relationship skills. Point out to the child that they will come across difficult people the rest of their lives. Are they going to quit every time they encounter someone they have a problem with?
Parents may need to let go of expectations that the child participate in a way that pleases them. Our job is to provide encouragement and recognize the child’s efforts and accomplishments.
There are some times when it is acceptable to let a child drop out of an activity.
When a child is so unhappy with the activity that it seriously affects her and interferes with other areas of her life. If the negative consequences of staying with the activity outweigh the positive, it is time to walk away.
When a child does not have the ability to participate to any degree of satisfaction, it is okay to move on. Staying in this situation can result in his feeling bad about himself and prevent his desire to try other activities. When this happens, it is important to get the child involved in something where he can experience success.
In general, insist that your child see an
activity through the season or the time
period that was agreed upon before the
activity began. If after the allotted time
they don’t want to do it again, fine. Don’t
make them feel bad about that. Make
sure they know how proud you are of
them for having stuck with it and finishing
what they started.
As the saying goes, a parent has to “know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.” Like most everything else about being a parent, that process takes lots of thought and exploration. It also takes remembering that your commitment is to do what best prepares your child to be a successful adult; not to find the easiest way out of the situation for you or your child.
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