|
by Mike Venable
Part I
If someone had told me how difficult
being a “stepfather” would be, I might
have considered turning tail and running
for the horizon. Please note that I put the
word stepfather in quotes because it is a
word we don’t use in our home. And,
believe me, the bruises a man receives in
the normal course of his duty as the custodial
father to some other guy’s natural
offspring are not insignificant.
However…
Now that I’m 15 years into my role as father to not only my boys, Michael and Adam, but also to Jill’s boys, Christopher and Nicholas, I’ll say without equivocation that I would not trade ANYTHING for the blessings I’ve received while serving in that role.
I’m speaking very bluntly here — if you know me, you know I usually do — when I say that when I first married Jill, Christopher and Nicholas were so young, so different from my other sons and so difficult for me to relate to. Without going into too much detail, let me just say that Christopher, in particular, was a challenge for me.
He hated me. I didn’t really like him. And I certainly didn’t love him. What new father can possibly love a child whom he doesn’t know? This is where the difficulty begins, especially if you’re a man who has no trouble loving.
I’m that guy. I cry at movies. I have certain songs that will, at the sound of the first chord, send tears to the corners of my eyes. And, you know, I’m not ashamed to say that out loud. I have a HUGE capacity to love in all kinds of ways.
So, the fact that I had these two new sons around the house and that early on there wasn’t any kind of paternal spark became a painful thing for me. I’ve written before about how when I would get blocks of time with my sons Michael and Adam, I felt compelled to force-feed them my tenets of life. Table manners, religious training, how to treat people, how not to treat people, how to use money, you know, all the things a father should pass on to his sons.
In my role as father to Christopher and Nicholas, I was right there, just a few feet away much of the time, yet I felt funny giving themthat same advice. Back in the early days of our marriage, I wasn’t their father. I felt like I was a guest in someone else’s home. My role as custodial father just didn’t feel right. It was so frustrating! My natural sons were with their mom most of the time and I felt like I had all this “fathering” to give, but didn’t yet feel comfortable being a father to Jill’s boys.
There was the whole parenting style issue. How do I assert my style? When do I become the father they need me to be without tipping over the apple cart? And, more importantly, how do I learn to love these two boys? For me, the answer was in trying to meet them where they were.
Our coming together as a family has been a sweet, wonderful thing to behold. I love all four of these fine young men and having the gift of two more sons has made me a better man. I am so thankful for all the good they have brought to my life. In some small way I’d like to repay them by becoming exactly what they need me to be as they transition into adulthood. They deserve that. So do I.
Look for Part II in an upcoming issue of Valley Parent.
Send us your comments and feedback: contactus@valleyparent.com.
