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by Delane Chappell
I’m a saver and my husband is a spender. How will we ever agree on a spending plan for our family?
This is probably one of the most challenging of money issues because strong emotions may be tied to it. Money means something different to each of us based on our past experiences. Most of us absorb our thoughts and feelings about money from watching our families of origin and how they dealt with it.
Ideally, couples should discuss money before the ring ever slips over the finger. Too often that doesn’t happen, and we carry what we learned—the good, bad and the ugly—with us into our own marriages. Some ideas we bring consciously, some unconsciously.
One of the most memorable misunderstandings my
husband and I experienced happened when we were first
married.My grandmother died and left me $250. One day
my husband started discussing plans for using that money.
I was amazed at the instantaneous anger I felt. That was
MY money. Not only did the $250 have sentimental value,
but I learned that having my own money provided me a
sense of security.
The first step to resolving the saver/spender dilemma is to start talking and listening. This should be conducted in a friendly, non-threatening way. If the topic is too inflammatory for the two of you to make progress, talk to a mental health counselor or a life coach. The idea is to get the emotional attachment to money out in the open, so that you can move forward.
Some other suggestions are:
Set priorities. Decide together what is most important to your family.
Develop a system. Every couple has to find a system that works for them. Usually, this is accomplished through trial and error. Some couples choose to keep every dime separate; some pool all the money. In the case of the spender/saver, common sense tells us that separate accounts will probably lessen conflict. There are couples who have three separate accounts—his, hers and a household account. This is an area where ongoing communication is vital.
Agree on a financial motivator. Find something that you both want that will encourage you to work together. Maybe it’s a house or having another baby or buying a new car. It just needs to be a north star that will keep you moving in the same direction.
Become a team. Say to your spouse, “I want us to be a financial team.” The concept of teamwork is drilled into our American psyche. Everyone wants their team to win.
Discuss lifestyle. Discuss the kind of lifestyle you each want to live. This is no time to blame or be judgmental or high-and-mighty. Define your terms. If you say you want a comfortable lifestyle, explain what that means to each of you.
Buy budgeting software. Buy a financial software program and use it. You’ll be able to categorize your expenses, track what you spend, make a budget, etc. It’s important for both spouses to understand how daily spending fits in the bigger picture.
With an understanding of the emotional component of money and the willingness to cooperate, collaborate and compromise, a spender and a saver can make it work.
Delane Chappell is a consultant with the Business Resource Center of the Pastoral Institute.
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