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This year, when families set the table for holiday feasting, they may need to leave an extra space beside the nut cup. Cell phones and PDAs have become so indispensable to so many people that they show up as uninvited guests at everything from movies to funerals. Obviously, these devices have their place. They’ve made
communication quick, reliable and even fun. That’s why the
typical American teen sends 3,000 text messages a
month. Yet, without boundaries, the constant
chatter from electronic devices can interfere
with your child’s ability to focus and your family’s
opportunities to connect. |
by Carolyn Jabs
Although teens and many adults have adopted multi-tasking as a way of life, brain research suggests that constantly switching from one activity to the next interferes with short-term memory and long-term learning. Also, being able to decide where you’ll focus your attention turns out to be a rather strong predictor of success in a variety of areas.
In one fascinating study, a researcher left 4-year-olds alone in a room with a marshmallow. The kids were told they could have a second marshmallow if they didn’t eat the first. Many of the kids succumbed and popped the marshmallow in their mouths. However, some didn’t, largely because they were able to focus their attention on something other than the marshmallow. Years later, the kids with the ability to control their focus were getting better grades and higher SAT scores.
Teaching kids to screen out electronic distraction—or marshmallows—isn’t easy, but the holidays are a good time to start. Parents must lead by example. Demonstrate your priorities by locking away your own devices during special meals and other holiday festivities. It’s not OK to keep your PDA in your pocket or your lap “just in case.” If you really believe the messages you’re missing could be urgent, keep a log. Then, one by one, rate the importance of the communication against the importance of what it interrupted. If something is truly an emergency that requires your attention, excuse yourself with apologies, just as you would if you had to take a phone call.
Once you’ve demonstrated that texting and other forms of electronic communication can be put in their place, you’re more likely to get through to your kids about keeping their own habits under control. Here are some places you should be especially firm:
Driving
The facts are in.Driving while texting is like driving buzzed.
Even talking on a cell phone impairs the split second reactions
that avoid an accident. This holiday, make a family resolution.
NO ONE in your family will text while driving. To enforce the rule, turn phones off in the car so no one
is tempted to respond to that seductive
ring tone. Don’t call your teen if you
think he or she might be driving. And
make it a rule that anyone who needs a
phone fix will pull over and park.
Conversation
The ability to talk to people face to
face continues to be a valuable skill, but
parents have to work hard to cultivate it,
especially in text-addicted teens. Genuine
conversation requires attentive listening,
something that won’t happen if electronic
devices are buzzing and blinking.
Holiday dinners are one place to start. Encourage everyone to leave automatic messages, making it clear they don’t want to be disturbed. If your kids protest, point out that knowing how to focus on the person in front of you is a huge advantage in romantic relationships. Parents, too, should remember that nothing is sexier than giving your partner your undivided attention.
Sleep
Research from the National Institutes
of Health provides decisive evidence that
teenagers need about nine hours of sleep
a night. One recent study found that
teens who routinely stayed up until midnight
on school nights were more likely
to be depressed and even suicidal. Of
course, even if your teen doesn’t send
messages after lights out, other kids may
not have the same restraint. Use the
phone bill to monitor the hours when
your child’s phone is being used. Then
encourage your child to establish blackout
times with friends. If kids can’t
enforce the rule, confiscate phones at
bedtime.
Daydreaming
Sherry Turkle, one of the first
researchers to examine the psychological
impact of the digital revolution, believes
it’s become more difficult for young people
to find the peace and quiet they need
to think their own thoughts. A device
that vibrates every few minutes produces
a sense of urgency. Kids feel they have to
respond and, indeed, some young people
report that friends get angry with them if
they aren’t instantly available. Parents
owe it to their kids to help themcarve out
genuinely private time. In some households,
this means parents themselves
have to use restraint. Electronic devices
allow parents to be in constant contact
with kids, which may make it more difficult
for them to learn how to make their
own decisions and solve their own problems.
Just because you can text your child, doesn’t mean you should. In each of these cases, the goal is to teach children that, like time and money, attention is a resource that shouldn’t be squandered. The holidays are an especially good time for everyone to remember that, in our distraction-filled world, giving someone your undiluted attention may be the best gift of all.
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