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by Jackie Titus
A study found that people without strong connections to family were four to six times more likely to die during the six-year period the study was conducted, regardless of race, wealth, health, activity or use of health services. And William J. Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, says children crave connection. Our family is the most important place to get our need to be connected met. We can get this need met in other places, but they seem to come in second-best to the family.
Hopefully those comments got your attention and you are wondering what families can do to ensure that its members feel connected and close. What is it that makes family members want to be together? What creates memories and stories that are repeated again and again and passed on to future generations?
One of the most important things a family can do is spend time together participating in meaningful activities. The experts call these activities rituals. Close families make it a priority to do things together on a regular basis. The activities don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, just things that everyone enjoys being a part of. It can be as simple as having pizza every Friday night, reading a bedtime story or cooking breakfast together Saturday morning. The activities are not important for themselves, but for the results they bring. They communicate that we care about each other and want to be together.
A ritual that our family has is going to plays. For years I have given members of my family season tickets to plays for their birthdays. Regardless of how busy we get, it is built in that we are going to go to plays together and then out to dinner.
Another very important thing that brings about connectedness is family traditions. Traditions give its members a feeling of security. They also help give us our identity. Because we live in a time of tremendous change, traditions may be more important today than ever. We need to know that regardless of what else changes, there are things in our family that will remain the same. Children love tradition. For example they love knowing that holidays will be celebrated in a certain way, that the family will have the same food, same decorations and same customs. This makes at least a part of their world predictable.
Having a family vacation as a tradition is a great way to build connectedness and relationships. By the way, when adults are interviewed about what their three favorite memories of childhood are, they list family vacations, traditional family foods and time spent outdoors. Nine summers ago my husband and I took our four-year-old grandson Kyle to the beach. We weren’t thinking about starting a tradition. However, we did go to the beach again the next two summers. The fourth summer I asked Kyle if he would like to go somewhere different. Without missing a beat he said, “Bubba, it’s a tradition.” I’m not sure he knew what the word meant, but he knew what it meant to be able to count on spending time with his family every summer.
It is not enough to get together. How we experience each other when we are together is also very important. There needs to be an atmosphere of kindness. When you want to have fun and enjoy yourself, do you seek out people who are unkind? I don’t think so.
Surveys show that kindness is one of the strongest predictors of positive family outcomes. It is through kindness that we communicate caring and love. Acting unkind, judging, ridiculing or making fun of each other defeats the purpose of the activities. If these kinds of behaviors are present, people will dread the activities. When they have a choice about whether or not to attend, they will choose not to be with the family.
Ask yourself how it feels to be a member of your family. If it feels uncomfortable, identify the causes and make the necessary changes. Everymember of the family is responsible for how their behavior affects others and for doing their part to create a warm, pleasant family.
Some additional ways to make people feel special and
included are:
• Remember important occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.
If you can’t be there, send a card.
• Give meaningful gifts. The gift doesn’t have to be expensive,
but needs to be a gift that says you took the time to pick out
something especially for that individual.
• Attend important family events such as graduations and
weddings.
• Collect traditional family recipes to give as wedding gifts for
family members.
• Attend activities like
athletic events and award
ceremonies.
• Express affection. People
need to be told that they
are cared about and
valued.
Today many families find themselves living great distances from any relatives. This makes it more difficult to feel connected. There are ways in which our technology interferes with relationships, but it also facilitates staying in touch with family members living in other places. Make an effort to get everyone on email, have regular telephone contact, set up Facebook, a family blog or use skype.
My nephew Albert Bowden, who lives in Virginia, said, “Facebook keeps you updated with each other. In some ways this has actually made my extended family existent. I know they’ve always been around, but we haven’t been in contact. Through Facebook I keep up with my family in Massachusetts, Georgia and California. Is this a replacement for actual face time? No, but it does keep the connections going. It’s fun.”
Studies show that young people who feel close to their families are the ones best prepared for life’s challenges. Family closeness sustains us during difficult times. This closeness comes from things as simple as shared activities, traditions and kindness. These are things within every family’s capacity. A family just has to value them, make them a priority and make them happen.
RECOMENDED WEBSITE:
Create a familyWiki tree. Collect, store
and share your family’s history at:
sites.google.com/site/kepickens/createafamilywikitree
RECOMMENDED READING:
The Intentional Family by William J. Doherty
Send us your comments and feedback: contactus@valleyparent.com.
