Coparenting: Getting along with your Ex is essential

by Steve Craft

When your child says, “I left it at home,” and you have to ask, “Which one?” you know you are a single parent. Protecting and nurturing your children remains always at the forefront of your thoughts, whether they are in a crib or a high school graduation gown. So when the reality first set in—I am going to be divorced—I sat down with a counselor and asked, “How am I going to take care of my little girl?”

Over the years on both a professional and personal level, I had seen civil and contentious divorces—divorces that involved every age from unborn to grown children. And sadly, in far too many of them, the children’s needs came in second or third to things like who was at fault and who kept the dog or the grill. Early on I vowed that our daughter Maggie would be first and foremost both during and after the separation. The sad truth was clear. I was getting a divorce. It no longer mattered who was at fault, and stuff is just stuff—I could buy a new grill.
But I, no, WE would only have one shot at getting it right with Maggie.

There are no good divorces. Some are just messier than others. I know that as break-ups go, I had one of the less messy ones. Still, there was plenty of hurt and resentment to go around. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I sat down with the psychologist and said that we wanted to do right by Maggie. I cannot adequately stress how important it is for both parents to work with a counselor—together. If you choose to truly share parenting responsibilities and do what is best for your child, you better learn to start talking to each other again.

You may never be able to ask how your ex is doing, or compliment her on her weight loss, but you can learn to speak directly to each other, civilly and openly about your child. And not through your child. If nothing else, start with texts and e-mails, but the truth is, real conversation goes a long way in helping your child.

My ex-wife and I even agreed to attend the required divorcing-parent seminar together rather than separately. Listening to the nitpicking and sometimes appalling comments and questions from others only reinforced our desire to do better for Maggie. After attending the seminar and seeing how some of our friends and family dealt with their kids, we knew we could and would set aside our issues to do what was right for our daughter.

We have joint custody, so we share Maggie half the time, four days one week and three the next. To dads who opt for the standard every-other-weekend schedule, this may seem like too much, but the reality is that Maggie only gets to see each of her parents for half of her childhood. Which means I only get to see half of her growing up experiences.

When you are married and live with your child every day, half time doesn’t sound like a lot. But when there is just one of you, it seems like full time. Sometimes it is hard. Do the wash, cook for her, make sure her homework is done, sit down and help her do the simple things, knowing I have a hundred things of my own to do. And there is no one to turn to and say, “Can you help her with this for just a minute?” You are the one who has to stop and help for just a minute … or 30.

Whenever I think that I have taken on too much, I just recall the day when she hugged me and nervously asked, “Daddy, you will always be here for me, right?” And I am reminded just how important my time is to her.

There are great rewards. Seeing your child run into the room, grinning and holding her first tooth, is something you don’t forget. We go shopping, we fuss over bedtime, we eat out and share dessert, we pick up toys, I help her read and then write in her journal. But most of all, I share my life with her and I get to share in hers. And all the Friday nights out in the world will never ever compare to those moments when she crawls in my lap, hugs me and says, “I love you because you are the bestest daddy in the whole world.”

Steve Craft, a Columbus native, is the father of two grown sons in addition to his 6-year-old daughter.