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by Mike Venable
Without reservation, the most difficult and yet, most rewarding accomplishment of my life has been the successful building of a functional, loving family unit from what was two adults and four young boys set adrift in this world by divorce. Jill and I were asked to share our story with the readers of the Pastoral Institute’s Forum magazine. This is an updated reprint of that story:
Several months ago, when Jill and I were approached and asked to write this piece, we were living the blended household life. Jill’s two sons, Christopher and Nicholas Riddle lived at home. My two sons, Michael and Adam Venable were (and still are) living in Atlanta and we get to see them often.
We were thrilled to have been asked to share our insights from the merging of our four sons and us into a single, successful family unit. Jill and I had fun reminiscing about some of the most colorful experiences and there were several animated discussions about watershed moments in our family’s growing years, which are appropriate to mention here.
This should be easy, we thought. We can just tell about the life we live. After all, we’re smack in the middle of living it! Well, that was then — and this is now.
As I wrote this column, Jill and I had just returned from a short, weekend road trip to the eastern coast of Georgia between Savannah and Brunswick to see my aunt and uncle’s new coastal home. While we were gone, Christopher made respectable progress on his new moving-out project and Nicholas continued to make plans for his upcoming move to Troy, Ala. where he is now a sophomore.
On that Friday morning when we left town, we were a solid, “conglomeration platter” of a family. Upon our return, we found ourselves hanging on the very precipice of empty-nestdom — three sons out and one on a banana peel.
So as we sat there, pondering the opportunity to shut off the HVAC vents to the kids’ end of the house and the potential for three guest bedrooms inside our Seale home, many wonderful and a few painful moments we’ve shared as we built our family came rushing in.
Jill and I believe the very best thing we can do for our family is to be great mates to each other. Our home is an adult-centered home. It revolves around our marriage. Since we have sons, it is important for them to see how a good man treats a good woman. It is equally important for them to know that when they find a truly great woman, she will treat them with respect and kindness.
Because we both have had previous
spouses — the other two parents of our
children — our respect also extends to
them. We don’t speak ill of them and we
include them in family events when it is
appropriate to do so. At Nicholas’ graduation
from Brookstone School, we shared
meals and photos with Nicholas’ other parents,
and because we made it a priority, this
important occasion was stress-free and
comfortable.
Our highest priority was the health and happiness of our children, so we leaned heavily on our company’s Employee Assistance Program benefits through the Pastoral Institute. Although our counselor, Stephen Muse, often looked at me like I had horns growing out of my head, he has been so important to me in my journey as a father. He helped me see my shortcomings and my strengths, and I’d like to thank him right now for his role in making our family work together in peace, love and understanding.
I believe we have done a good job negotiating the blended family minefield. Some of the things we did were carefully planned. Others were knee-jerk reactions we were forced into without the benefit of a quiet moment to ponder.
I’m positive we made mistakes. I’m also very sure that we did a lot of things right. What I know most clearly is that I’m married to my best friend on this earth and that we have four absolutely fantastic sons. They are as different as North Carolina and Georgia barbecue sauce recipes, and I love them each equally, but in different ways.
One of the most profound examples of how different parenting styles have the potential to create volatile dynamics in a blended home happened before the ink was dry on our marriage license.
I am a stern father. Jill is not a stern mother. If you know me, you’ll appreciate the fact that my children expect me to handle things in a black and white manner. If I say, “Please take out the trash,” that means “Stop what you’re doing and do it now, preferably with your bare hands.” If Jill says, “Please take out the trash,” she really means, “Here are the keys to the truck. And, oh, by the way, I’ve collected all the trash from the house and put it out in the driveway so you can pick it up on the way to get the pickup truck because trash is heavy and I don’t want you to be inconvenienced while you’re doing this.” Before you call me out, this scenario is slightly exaggerated, but makes a key point.
Early in our relationship, my natural sons knew how I operated as a parent. They knew (all children do) which buttons they could push and which buttons would immediately send me to DefCon 4. Since our parenting styles differed to such a degree, I didn’t think it was smart to step in andimmediately establish myself as a no-nonsense taskmaster to my new sons. You should have seen the looks I got early on from Michael and Adam when Christopher or Nicholas did something that would have ordinarily earned them an immediate and not-so-favorable reaction from me.
My advice to mothers and fathers in blended families is not to abandon your tried-and-true parenting style, but please take the time to let everyone know what they can expect from you and be willing to invest as much time as it takes to implement that style.
Michael and Adam grew up playing sports. Little League baseball, basketball and soccer games were a regular part of our life. Nicholas and Christopher grew up in the country and had other talents and abilities. Early in our marriage, I decided to take Christopher outside for a little bonding with a couple of baseball gloves and — thank God — a soft tennis ball. He threw me the ball. I scooped it up like the cagey infielder I used to be and sent it back. His glove came up—late—and the ball struck him right between the eyes. His glasses cut the bridge of his nose and sent him wailing into the house to Jill. My advice: Take stock of your new kids’ physical skills before you put them to the test.
Christopher is a brainiac with anything electronic. He can fix it, program it, build it and fully understand it. Now that he’s moved out, we will miss that gleam he gets in his eye when he’s presented with a challenge that has us completely baffled. We have a mutual love for electronic gadgetry and discussions of the circuitry inside those black boxes have created a comfortable place for us to nurture our relationship. It is important to build a relationship around each child’s talents and interests.
Even though Michael and Adam are now grown and on their own in Atlanta, when they were younger I struggled mightily with how to properly indoctrinate them with my “rules for life” in the very short time I had with them. Things like table manners, how to dress, how to properly introduce someone, religious training and other core life values were important for them to learn. I felt like every minute I had with them I was force-feeding them one or more of these life lessons. As the custodial father of Christopher and Nicholas, it is my job to support their natural father’s need to teach them the things that he feels are important.
Along these lines, this is the very best advice I can give the parents of a blended family: We made a decision early on in our marriage to not get greedy with our children’s time during the holidays. We just didn’t put any pressure on them. Holidays are stressful enough without fighting over when they’re going to be there for dinner. We have always invited them, but have gone ahead with our plans for the day and not complained or gotten our feelings hurt when they either didn’t make it, were late or some other thing.
In spite of all our fumbling, we have built a great life and a great family. It is one of the big thrills of my life to spend an evening over dinner at a table filled with good food and drink, love and easy conversation. I look around at these amazing young men and the beautiful woman at the other end of the table and know in my heart that the occasional pain of the journey was worth it.
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