 |
DUELING
Grandmas Too much love is a great |
by Charlotte L. Bowman
“It’s a blessing to have people who actually want to be around you, especially in this day and age,” said Marie (not her real name). “My grandparents were like second parents to me,” she said. “Every summer, I spent a lot of time with them.”
Unfortunately, both sets of grandparents live near each other and are jealous. “It was really difficult. It still is. My grandmothers would watch each other across the street to see how many hours or minutes I was spending with the other.”
For as long as Marie can remember, her grandmothers have been battling it out. “It’s like they have radar,” she said. “I would go to one house, and the other would wait an hour before calling and saying something like, ‘I need you to help me go to the grocery store.’ It was code for, ‘You’ve been over there long enough. It’s my turn.’”
Her mother tried to shield her, but she, too, was under siege. “Everyone in my family is dominant and controlling, except my mom,” Marie explained. “They’re all like Gen. Patton. It’s worse than ‘my way or the highway.’ To them, it’s my way, period! There is no other option.”
Holidays were unpleasant. “How do you see everybody on the same day without causing a family feud?” Marie said. “We’d go to one house and eat dinner, then go to the next house and eat dinner again. We’d be at one house for less than an hour when someone would call and demand we come see them.”
The strain affected Marie’s marriage, especially the first few years. “Every holiday, my husband and I would have huge fights because we didn’t know how we could fit everybody in on the same day.”
“Our son was the first grandchild and everyone wanted to see him. We just about killed ourselves trying to please everyone,” she said. “When we’d go to my mom’s house, both of my grandmothers would want us to come and spend the day at their house. We’d beg them to get together at the same house, but they wouldn’t budge.”
The solution finally came at a recent Christmas. Marie was nine months pregnant and under doctors orders not to travel. “It was the most peaceful Christmas ever! Our oldest son was in middle school, and it was the first Christmas he’d opened presents at home with just us.”
Marie and her husband decided that December 24 and 25 would be “no travel” days. “In my family, it’s like trying to negotiate the Middle East peace talks. Basically, whoever has the biggest nuclear weapon wins. Being pregnant and not being able to travel were my big weapons that year. So they could yell at me on the phone, but, hey, doctor’s orders!”
Ideas for Compromise |
Holidays are family occasions, but there are only so many folks you can see in the span of a day. Consider one of the following options or come up with your own master plan to give your kids and yourself a break this year. • Stay home and hold holiday open-house hours
for receiving
family visitors. |
Moving away also helped. “It’s been hard to cut the apron strings, but living in another town has helped tremendously,” she said. “But I still get phone calls from my grandmothers saying I’m neglecting them.”
“What can you do?” asked Marie. “I spend a lot of time praying. I have mountains of self-help books that I wish they would read.”
Fortunately for Marie’s children, her mom and mother-in-law aren’t the jealous types. “They take turns, and they don’t get upset about having to share the holidays,” she said. “For that, I’m grateful.”
Send us your comments and feedback: contactus@valleyparent.com.
